gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
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She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
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I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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