I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
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I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
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Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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