the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize