I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
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My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
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We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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