Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
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We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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