i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
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not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
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How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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