Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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