I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
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She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
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Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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