Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
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Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
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Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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