i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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