Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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