I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
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The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
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I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
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