My hand turned me down
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Rumble strips road head = magical
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
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