your parents love me but you hate me
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
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I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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