Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
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We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
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I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
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