I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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