I wish I could punch you in the face.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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