from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
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