it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
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The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
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My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
im on a boat
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