The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
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I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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