I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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