How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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