Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
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I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
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just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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