if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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