So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
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I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
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For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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