Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
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As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
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You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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