Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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