I cannot find my penis.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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