you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
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This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
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You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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