Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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