i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
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He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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