Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She needs sedatives and a leash
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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