you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
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