If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
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they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
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Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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