I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
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Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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