I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
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its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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