Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
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I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
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so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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