The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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