so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
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The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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