So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
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I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
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They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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