Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
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i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
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Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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