it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
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We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
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Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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