When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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