I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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