girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize