If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
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I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
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i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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