I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
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You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
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I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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