life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Who died my cat blue again?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
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