if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
we made out on top of his cat.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
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After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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