I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
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All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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